former humor columnist class of 2016
Abe Dunderdale is a senior at Durham Academy. He is from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and he likes to party. When Abe gets older, he aspires to have the courage to, in a time of trial, volunteer himself in place of his younger sister as an act of tribute to an oppressive dictator in a post-apocalyptic dystopian society in the Divided (by districts) States of America. If he were to go to Hogwarts, he believes he would be in Gryffindor and would be the seeker on the Quidditch team. His favorite movie is the 6th hour of the 6-hour BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. His favorite color is smaragdine and his favorite Disney princess is Belle. Abe's accomplishments include the Medal of Honor, a Knighthood, having his own cooking show, and one time holding his breath for 30 seconds. In newspaper this year, Abe expects to miss multiple deadlines and steal cheap laughs from his readers. He will be writing a satirical column titled "Not So Honest Abe" despite his father's recommendation of naming the column "'Honest Abe tells it like it is' … or ‘A View From the Log Cabin.'" As we are now at only 195 words, after giving a not-so-subtle summary of the Hunger Games, Abe is quickly realizing that this bio has to be 250 words long and is woefully under-qualified to write a bio of that length. Another column title suggestion from his father: ‘A Cavalier Yankee in King Arthur's Court.’ His favorite food is pizza. His favorite quote is: "I wish you’d stop being useless and start being pizza." He believes he is qualified to write this column because he is the fourth funniest person in his family.