I'm in LOVE with the boy who sits next to me in English class, but I can't get up the nerve to talk to him! How do I approach him without having to bring up something that I only know because I stalked him on Instagram and Facebook?
Emotional and Vaguely Stalkerish Sophomore Girl
Hello Emotional and Vaguely Stalkerish Sophomore Girl,
Not to worry! If my extensive experience with boys has taught me anything, it is that they are totally and completely okay with girls stalking them on the Internet! Did he have a particularly nice profile pic three years ago? Go ahead and like that! What about that meme he posted in middle school? Like that too! The older the post, the better; it tells him that you’re really, truly interested.
But don’t stop there–what better way to show him that you care than to find out what his passions are? Did he mention cars in class as you eavesdropped on his conversation? Did he post a picture of a Porsche once? Fantastic! Find out anything and everything you can about cars. Stop him after class and press him about that one particular model he made a post about a few years ago. Speak to him exclusively of cars. Just cars, all day, every day. You are Car Girl now. Let go of your previous identity, there is room only for cars, and nothing else…
I’m sure he’ll fall in love with you in no time. So glad I could help!
I'm so worried about my biology class!!! I just got an A instead of an A+ on a test, which has never happened. I repeat, never. I don’t know what to do!!! Will this affect my GPA??? Will I still get into college?????
Overanxious and Ivy League-Aspiring Freshman
Dear Overanxious and Ivy League Aspiring Freshman,
I was like you, once. So worried about grades and getting into college that I couldn’t see the truth, but here it is: colleges will always tell you that they want nothing more than to see an upward trend in grades.
"An upward trend, you say? Why, Abby, this means I could fail every single class freshman year, and still get into college!”
That’s right! Now you can, with our patented Completely Legitimate College Prep Plan™.
Don’t worry about not always getting A+s! Go ahead and get Fs freshman year! College admissions officers will be astounded when you receive Ds in sophomore year! And look, your junior year you get all Cs! And by golly, in your senior year, you finally make your way all the way up to B’s! Would you look at that upward trend?!
College admissions officers will tell you that they shouldn’t be able to spell a word with your grades—that’s great news! I’d like to see them try to spell a word with only Bs, Cs, Ds, and Fs. That’s impossible! What if you had gotten Bs and As? TOO BAD. You can spell the word baa as in the sound of a sheep, and voilà! There’s your rejection letter. What if you had gotten all A’s? Last time I checked, AAAAAAAAA, the sound of someone screaming, was a completely legitimate word; colleges will recognize it, and there goes your hope of admission.
So there you go, dear Overanxious and Ivy League-Aspiring Freshman; if you really do want to get accepted to college, there is nothing more you need to do at this moment than fail all of your classes. Good luck!
NOTE: All advice presented here should be taken strictly as satire. Please do not fail your classes freshman year.