Recently, I’ve started to catch feelings for this girl in my Underwater Basket Weaving 101 class. At first I didn’t really notice her, but after a couple of weeks, we were assigned a complex Walling basket and that’s when things really started to get intense. Her patterns were so mesmerizing and hypnotic that I found that I couldn’t look away. I started losing track of time during class and going into brief trances watching her weave so deftly. I’ve actually nearly drowned several times in class when her patterning got particularly intricate because I started breathing whilst underwater. Every time I think I’ve worked up the courage to swim over to her and ask about our next weave or even a simple border treatment, I immediately lose my nerve, start anxiously hopping in place, and pretend I’m a beached whale. It’s gotten so bad that I’m considering transferring to Knitting for Noobs just to avoid seeing her everyday. Should I try to distance myself from her? Or should I try and make a move? HALP!
Dear Knervous Knitter,
Well, this may come as a surprise, but I’ve actually received several complaints from the Weaving Department over the years as an advice columnist. We’ve had some troubling grievances about poor wood entwining, unsatisfactory bark quality, and excessive drowning, but this might be the most interesting one yet! Things really seem to be unraveling over there, if ya know what I mean *wink wink*. But, in response to your previous query, I would say make a move! The best thing you can do in a situation like this is to paddle your way on over to her and offer to help with her latest weave. As the saying goes: “Only real men knit,” and I’m sure she’ll totally be into you if you can show her the hottest new sequencing. Keep up to date on the most malleable basket weaving woods, trendiest handle designs, and, of course, work on strengthening your doggy paddle so she knows you work out. I promise you that if you can spend some time with her describing the textural differences of pine bark and English walnut wood or demonstrate immaculate drowning technique, she’ll be falling head over heels for you in no time. Good luck and happy weaving!