Written by Jack Whitehurst, ‘20
When we all returned to school from Easter weekend, our English classes moved to the new building. But while many hail the new renovation as an architectural masterpiece, I am far from being convinced of our need for it at the Upper School. Let’s be honest: it’s not like math nerds need more space to draw incomprehensible non-Euclidean shape-y trig graphs. And, the science teachers definitely don’t need more of those fun little showers that are supposedly for when buildings catch on fire, but that people never use. The building that was originally in place was perfectly fine. However, in the DA spirit of renovation, innovation, and that moral, happy, and productive nonsense, I propose a new plan: let’s destroy every building on DA’s campus. That way, DA can become an all outdoor school. In fact, there will be so few buildings, you won’t even know you’re at school.
First of all, we will no longer need to deal with bathrooms. I know how much I hate the bathrooms at school, and I think that most people here feel the same way. I don’t think anybody enjoys the smell of the locker room after someone goes, and this smell is amplified throughout the year. Moreover, the toilet paper is basically sandpaper. Since we will not be indoors, there will be no need for indoor plumbing, so bathrooms will become obsolete. The DA students will have two options if they need to go to the bathroom during school. First, we will have an area far from where classes will take place that will serve as a latrine. In fact, we will no longer need lockdown drills as no intruder will ever want to come close to the stench that borders our campus. If you don’t want to use the latrine, then you can just suck it up and hold it until you get home.
Also, a fully outdoor school will also mean that we can get rid of all sports. Our football team has been undefeated since 1987, and now all of our other teams can be too! Instead of burning calories running around, we will need to burn calories to keep us warm in the winter. Because of this, jackets will need to be banned from campus. Just mentioning jackets will result in expulsion, and wearing a jacket will lead to a far worse punishment. One problem with this is that students may contract diseases such as frostbite or influenza. This gives us two options. We can let natural selection weed out the weak ones (which provides great hands on experience for the biology classes), or the school administration can set up first-aid tents to deal with these weak children, as tents give off an outdoorsy vibe while keeping the area around somewhat more sanitary than the complete outdoors. We can even theme each tent to be from a different part of history, and operate that way for history classes to learn about historical medical technology in use. You better hope you get the modern day tent, or your surgery could go very poorly!
This change is an important one, and I need all of your support. This is why I have started a change.org petition: https://www.change.org/p/durham-academy-students-satire-article I would love support from each and every one of you. Every signature counts! #noschooliscool